Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
dude. I can hear the air.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
