And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
