And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
