I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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