foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
