Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
