I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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