weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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