I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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