New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
