Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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