When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
