I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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