Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
