There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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