So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
its not stalking. its research.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
