Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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