dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
