i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
