I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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