After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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