I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
