I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
