i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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