Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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