Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
