why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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