i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
