I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
