I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
