Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
