Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
