Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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