Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
And then the night went full on bisexual.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
