I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
