Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
