I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
