last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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