Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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