Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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