If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
