remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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