I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
