I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
