I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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