i will never coherently bang her
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
where are you?
Hypothermia
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
