you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
