If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
