the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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