he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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