I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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