I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
