you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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