24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
