My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
