My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We need a shit load of segways right now
Two words: blizzard sex
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
