that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
