My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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