If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My balls are so social today.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
