My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
